Look, The future is scary. But, you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. Yes, it’s tempting, but it’s a mistake. 

“It’s time you moved on to something else.  You are finished here.  You have other life experiences to gain from.”

Stop thinking already! Enjoy your life! 

Funny how someone could mean everything to you at one point in your life, and mean nothing the next. Maybe that hurts the most, but I guess it needs to rain before you can see a rainbow. Glad it happened for you. You just don’t have to rub it in my face. 

Crying it out and not answering the phone call = 1st step. And hopefully things get easier from there. So I can focus on MYSELF. Which is what I need to be doing in college. Not waiting on someone else and justifying their future. Who knows what will happen. One step at a time, and just do whatever I need to do. 

Done with the lies.

you tried to drag me down and fill me with self doubt. 

Don’t blame yourself, what you did wrong in the relationship, and go better yourself.

So again, I’m not entirely sure why I do this to myself. My friends keep telling me the same shit, and I know it’s true and everything.. but why do I not listen to it? I’m so impulsive, so angry, so full of confusion and hatred all at the same time. I don’t think clearly, and when I do, I never listen to it. I kind of want to listen to my own advice. Despite everything that has happened, I’m realizing that 1. I do NOT want to be the girl on the side. The ex girlfriend that can’t get over him while he is flirting with and wanting to be with this other chick. What the fuck is that? Get the fuck over him. 2. I chose to leave him, so why the fuck am I doing this to myself? I have no idea. I left him. I do not want him. I do not want to be with him. So stop talking to him. Once you stop talking to him, you’re fine. you’re completely fine without him. And you’re better off without him. 

After talking to S, he says, dude. your ex sounds like a fucking tool. Holy crap. he has always sounded like one. I’ll bet you a pretty dollar if you got back with him you won’t be happy because he’ll do shit. why don’t you seeee that? He aint even that good lookin of a dude. Californians need to come check out new york or something. so fixated on whack cali peeps..semi ‘thug’ dressing dudes who are cocky as shit and girls of exactly the same nature. Sorry dudette, but you’re trippin.

And all this makes so much sense. that he is a tool. if i did get back with him, would the lying stop? would he still keep in contact with her? would I EVEN BE HAPPY?! Because I can’t say that for sure. When he was last here… i texted sam saying.. dude, if he’s gna act like this, why did he even come? this is so pointless, I just want to leave and not be with him right now. He’s so immature. Tried to always go back to what it was.. it’s not the same. No i dont want my head on your shoulder. No I don’t want any of that nonsense. Because I’m done. I’m over you, and you should be too. I tore your heart out.. hm.. maybe. but I hope that fucked you over. I hope you’re forever fucked up in the head and never feel adequate for anyone. I’m not sitting by being your ‘friend’ cause that doesn’t work. Why I even considered the song, the man who can’t be moved, astounds me. No fuck that, I do not want to wait for you. what the hell. on a fucking corner. I love that song. but if I’m waiting for anyone, it sure as hell is not going to be you. I liked that you did shit for me, and not because of who you were. You lie to my face, when I ask you specifically, don’t even feel remorseful or bad for doing so, did so so many times at the end of the relationship. Started lying to the girl from the start. Why you must tell people that you went to Cal and USF? idk maybe to make you sound more legit, less stupid. whatever. that you’re a studious kid. its funny because yeah. okay you study now and everything.. and you think you’re going somewhere.. but by the time you’re finished with school, you will be 25.. I will be 22. and I will have a full time job. You  may have a job, and I have no idea where you will be. but who knows, maybe i’ll surpass you. You even said it. I’ll be with someone as successful, or even more successful than me. and in the end, that’s what I want. Someone that I can rely on, someone that encourages me to be more than I can be, someone that loves me for me, who doesn’t degrade me, talk shit about me, lie to me, and someone I admire for who they are.. not necessarily the way they treated me in the beginning.. and I guess whatever. I’m just pretty angry at the whole situation. dont really know what to do, how to feel, how to get over it.. I guess it just takes time, but no there is no way to be friends. If brien thinks she has a guy that has changed her perspective about things, and a guy that is ‘different’, she has another one coming, because he’s not. he’s her ex boyfriend 3 years later.. which is kind of funny if you think about it.. because he’ll get there too. in 3 years, figuring things out for himself.. yeah he’ll work his ass off too.. but as of now, he’s shit. and that’s what her parents realize too.. but maybe they didnt piece it together that he’s 4 years older and doing the exact same shit. hm.. interesting. 

well, I already know why I don’t want to be with him. I do not like his personality. I dont really like who he is, or how he acts, or his perspective on a lot of things. He likes to say that girls are hot and join in on friends alot. He voices it alot even when he knows he has a girlfriend. I admire guys that are able to just agree or just let it go.. rather than saying, yes this girl had huge tits and leaned over and was insinuating something or whatever to his other guy friends. that’s not okay and it’s really douchie. He lies to me alot, doesn’t like to admit he is wrong about these things, texted other girls while I snuck out to see him.. and flirting with her and showing me the conversation.. said ‘i stuck my dick so far up her’ when we were cuddling… are you serious? that is the stupidest thing any guy could probably ever say, him not realizing that that’s not acceptable.. lying to me on the phone talking to her, wanting to 3 way with her and mute her so she knows the torture he has to go through.. why he stuck his dick in that unholy girl carmina is beside me. i should have seduced you instead, oozing between the legs, you wanted my dick back in the day, you wanted it in all holes. saving the picture of katie and labeling it keepers the day i argued with my mom and flew to vegas to see him because he wanted me to, and he says blenia and katie were drunk and sending me pictures of themselves, with low cut tops and short shorts.. lied to my face while eating, called me gullible..and i found it in his email 7 days later, he did not delete them. brien saying that it’s sad how hard i’m trying.. that i’m always depressed.. that’s so embarassing bc all she knows of me is what he has said of me, portraying that i’m constantly torturing him, that i’m psycho, i’m crazy, and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, but apparently i don’t get it. He’s not going anywhere in life, always trying new things and not following through. making excuses for everything.. my brother got this, but he never got money for college… so many things, that girls can’t get off him when he works out.. and so forth.

SO I know that step 1. is to cut off all communication. 

http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Your-First-Love

Inspiration

So I’m not entirely sure why I decided to make this tumblr… I don’t even know why I’m posting at 3:25am. I guess I was inspired by my friend who had amazing epiphanies on this thing, and I wanted a mini diarylike page where I could do the same. But at the same time, I wonder if this will make things any better in my life. I know I’m not crazy, but I sure do act like it when it comes to people I care about. I read this quote today that said True love isn’t about romance, but truly caring about the well being of your companion. And maybe that is true. Maybe that is what my love extended to. Would I be lying if I said I still don’t love him? Yes. I don’t know exactly how I feel, or what I’m suppose to feel, or whether or not I should be feeling anything in this general direction at all. I’m suppose to move on. And I have, but by constantly being angry at the past and closing myself off emotionally. No, I generally do not want to talk about it, because nobody wants to hear about the same thing anymore. People say I never let them know how I’m feeling, but that’s the point of being strong isn’t it? Letting people know that you’re okay, that it’s all good, and that you’re not ‘broken’. Because nobody wants somebody that’s broken. 

I watched Gossip Girl today for 3 hours, and amazingly it helped me come to my own epiphany. With that girl and her “true love” that was going through a dark period. Who at one point was the the most powerful couple in Manhattan. Who despite it all, still knew they loved each other, and had this strange connection to each other regardless of the fact that she was going to get married to a prince. It’s amazing. I know it’s a TV show, but I thought that was something that me and him could have had. Or what maybe I thought I wanted from it all, or maybe just the sense of an ongoing lingering. Do I stay or should I go, or should I be somewhere in between. Because things aren’t the same because I do not plan on being with him right now, or in the future. So why am I so  bothered that he doesn’t want to be with me ? Why do I get ridiculously jealous when he talks to some girl? I mean, I was far from innocent. Far. But I guess it really is just me being selfish.. which is unfair. And I have overreacted. He said I only judge everything on what I read. But, isn’t that physical proof? I don’t understand. I’m sure there’s more to the story, but I don’t understand why I begin to get hurt by the smallest things. It was extremely disrespectful that he was typing to her while I was on the phone with him pouring my heart out, and lying about it. Not really giving me a reason why, just saying he didn’t want to tell me. Maybe there’s more to it, maybe there isn’t. But that is not my place anymore. We are not together. I did not want to be with him. So yes, he needs to move on. But I suppose that it is just as difficult for him as it is for me. So for him to recover, guys tend to chase after other girls to relieve them of the stress they go through all of it. It’s true. I sometimes think that the emotional stress is only on my side, and I fail to realize that I have caused the exact same, if not more, sense of pain, rejection, and emotional distress that I blame him for. 

Should I just let it go? Should we leave things on bad terms with ‘i have lost all respect for you’, and ‘you’re not who I thought I fell in love with’ and ‘your’e a compulsive liar’. And although these are all true with everything that has happened in the relationship, it did stem partly from my end, by telling him he wasn’t good enough for me, and him feeling put down all the time, and feeling worthless at the way that I spoke to him. I never did speak down to him the way that he thought I did, but I suppose he was so adamant about fighting a typical top school education lifestyle that I wanted for him. And for that, I did not agree, and it simply led to excuses, stress, mismatched expectations of our relationship, of our futures, and it simply would not run in the same direction. This is where our story ends, and that is okay. There is no use trying to chase after something that has no happy ending. I should just be content, and grateful even, that he showed me what true love was. That I could be vulnerable and let someone have an emotional grip on me, and feel like I was the only girl that could make him happy. Seeing mad or angry from a day at work, and watching that emotion completely wipe off his face with a smile when he would see my face on skype. That was the best feeling in the world. And it made me so happy. Knowing that he was on my bunkbed, that I would lay in bed with him for hours spooning, and feeling like it was all so right. That I have never felt so comfortable, so complete, so loved, and so at peace. At least I’ve experienced it. It was a great feeling, and things started going array when I started to question his ambitions, his life goals, his everything. Believing he wasn’t good enough for me. Partly fueled by my parents expectations of me, of who I should be with, and the banking goaled people around me at Berkeley. So I don’t know if this is really me. If this is really because this is how I am. But it sure is at this point with my influences, and at this point I’m not ready to sacrifice ambition, drive, success, and the multitude of possibilities for my first love, who I have no idea is going to be the one I will end up with. 

After texting someone and playing 21 questions, I realized that this is not something I could have talked about to him. Our relationship did not fall under the category of emotional connection, of our dislikes and dislikes, of knowing him inside and out, what he admires, what he’s most afraid of, what his perfect date is, how his first kiss went, something crazy he’s done, what he likes/dislikes about himself. To think that after 1.5 years, I still can’t answer any of these questions. Any questions beyond the physical, is a problem. And I guess at this point in my life, I’ve had 2 very extreme relationships, and it is quite interesting. But I need to learn how to respect myself first and better MYSELF if I ever want to find something right for me. He says I don’t know what I want, but at this point, who am I? Because what I use to believe in isn’t true anymore, and who I was isn’t who I am today. So it based on who I am now, or the influences that impact my character in the future? I don’t know.. and if this is the case.. what am I suppose to choose? Who knows, but this unhealthy state I am in is not okay. It’s time to move forward, and on with whatever life throws at me. That no I don’t need a boyfriend because the circumstances are not right. and that is completely fine. I need to better myself, so I can better someone else, because I’ll also be looking for someone that will make me a better person. Who knows if that’s someone I’ll find at Berkeley or later down the road, but the only thing I need to remember is to stop pushing people away. To open up my options, and don’t be closeminded. I may miss something great.